Motherhood: Losing Yourself or Finding Yourself?

Welcome to The Honest Place a space for honest conversations about self worth, identity, leadership, parenting and the inner questions so many of us carry. What you are about to hear is an edited recording of a live honest place conversation. In this episode, I reflect on motherhood through a question that feels so real to me: Is it about losing yourself or finding yourself? Speak about becoming a mother as an immigrant, hoping motherhood would bring belonging, the very different experiences I had with my two children, and the way motherhood can both take parts of us away and reveal parts of us we may not have found otherwise. Let's begin. It's been a spring break. So, eleven days of being with my family, with my children. These eleven days left no space in my head to think about anything else apart from motherhood. I have two children. My oldest child is eight years old. I became a mother shortly after immigrating to a new country. So I moved from Siberia to The UK. I moved as a spouse with my partner who had a job in The UK and it was my third year in The UK.

I cannot really say that I decided that I am ready to be a parent. A very specific moment from that time I was following a mother of three on Instagram. I asked her a question How do you know that you are ready to become a mother? Her response was: A mother is born together with a child. So until you have a child you will not know what it's like. And it turned out to be so true. So it was my third year living in The UK. I was still trying to figure out who I am in that new country. I was trying to find myself professionally and I didn't feel any sense of belonging at that time. I was lucky enough to have a partner with a stable job that supported us at that time and I thought that motherhood may actually bring a sense of purpose in my life and it may become this doorway to belonging. I've already lost so much moving to a new country that I was hoping that I will only gain by becoming a mother and I would become a part of some mother's circles. I would have friends with other mothers, with children. We would go to playgrounds together, to the library together. So, I was really hoping to find my purpose and sense of belonging in motherhood. I still felt separated from everyone else because I am an immigrant, I am

not from this place. It's possible that it all was in my head but that's how I was feeling. I still didn't feel like even when was a child I'm a part of this big community and big picture. So, cannot say that I found a sense of belonging in a wider community by becoming a mother, but I did find a purpose. I absolutely loved my child. My partner absolutely loved our child. He brought so much joy into our lives. I was happy waking up every morning and knowing that this little person needs me. I was happy to see every milestone and celebrate every milestone of my son. And he was a true sunshine and he brought so much happiness into my life. And then a couple of years later, I was enjoying my role as a mother so much that we decided to have another child. When I got pregnant with my second child, we moved one more time to The US and my daughter was born. And the journey with my daughter was so much more different. You may hear from mothers that children can be quite different. I didn't realize that until I became a mother of two. So, my first child, my son, he was a very easy baby. He loved to sleep,

he was so calm and I was truly enjoying my life as a mother. My daughter was very demanding. My daughter was loud, she didn't like to sleep. She's six years old now, she still doesn't like to sleep. She needed me all the time, she would only sleep in my hands, she wouldn't sleep if I put her down. So, it was a very different feeling from being a mother of a young child for the first time. And I felt like in this At that time I started losing myself. There were no space in my life left to be myself because everything was centered around my daughter and It was very hard I considered myself a very capable person I was always proud of how much I can do without ever asking for help ever asking for support and with my daughter she took everything of me that I had. I had to give my whole self to her and I started to feel like I'm becoming an extension of another little person. That was really difficult. So, I came to the point when I realized that without help there would be nothing left of me and I was scared of that.

So, daughter has pushed me to turn to help. When she was, I think she was a year and a half, I started searching for a nanny at least for a couple of hours every day and I found a nanny for her. So, I received four hours every day from Monday to Friday. My son was at a daycare and my daughter was with her nanny. And it may sound like a short time for my previous self who wasn't a mother. Four hours every day wouldn't sound as a lot of time. But at that moment, when I was a mother of two and received these four hours, I realized that I can do so much in four hours. And that fear of losing myself completely in motherhood, it pushed me to think really hard what really matters to me, how I want to use that time so I can feel purpose, so I can feel that I'm doing something meaningful, valuable, is not serving my children. That is what I'm doing for myself, to feel as myself. And what I did at that moment is I started a company. My husband supported me a lot in my idea and it was also during the pandemic. I feel that it's important to mention because

the pandemic has changed the lives of so many of us. It wasn't only motherhood at that time many people were discovering what they might enjoy while they are stuck at home. So I got a sewing machine and I started making things. I was following my passion to save the planet, to reduce plastic waste and I started a reusable menstrual products company. Once I started my company, I had to let go of so many of my other fears. For example, my fear of not being able to use my voice and speak publicly as an immigrant with English being my second language. All of this became possible because I was losing myself. I felt like I'm losing myself completely in motherhood. And what happened afterwards is a history because I started running my business, I started learning so much about marketing, entrepreneurship, manufacturing. I started joining different communities. Once the pandemic was easing up I started going to in person events so from a lost mother I became an entrepreneur with a social and professional network and later it helped me to have confidence to speak about my work, to become a public speaker. So all of these things wouldn't be possible

if it wasn't for my daughter who drained me so much that it pushed me to find myself. So this is my story and I truly believe that the person who I am wouldn't be there. I wouldn't be speaking to you right now if it wasn't for the losses I experienced as a mother. So, when I asked other women to share what they think they would lose in motherhood, The most common word that appeared in responses was. Can you guess what it is? It was freedom. It was a word that came up in responses from both mothers and from women who do not have children. Women without children also shared their fears of losing their careers jobs work opportunities I want to express a special gratitude to a university friend of mine Natasha. She is my favorite person when it comes to being honest and sharing honestly about motherhood. So I asked her some questions and here is what she shared with me: When I got pregnant, I thought my previous life was over. I was sure that people who weren't pregnant and didn't have children would disappear from my life.

I wasn't afraid of the rest because I couldn't even imagine how much I would actually lose and how everything would be reborn. Before my first child I had no idea of the true scale of those changes. I lost years of working and being employed, but my priorities also changed. Time with my young children is more precious to me than my career right now. I still have another thirty to forty years ahead for my career and for most of my life I will know my children as adults. We only get to know them as children for a few short years. This is a reminder I needed myself that my children will only be little humans who are interested to share their life with me and need to share their life with me for a very short time. This time is truly limited. For an employer, this may look like a gap in my resume. But I understand my values and my strengths so much better. You can't put that on a resume, but it will show in my work when I return. Soft skills and especially emotional intelligence are built over years I don't know if there is any better training for emotional intelligence than children And you know, I've been hearing that from many mothers I spoke to in my life that children are real life training for so many things: for resilience,

for conflict resolution, for interpersonal dynamics, for emotional intelligence. When you learn how to be with children, how to support your children, how to well not even solve how to be there in the moments when they need you, how to help them resolve conflicts between themselves. It directly translates to all of your interactions in your adult life, in your work. I truly believe that being a mother to two children who are two years apart and they fight a lot made me a really good leader who is able to run teams, who is able to understand what kind of support people around me may need. I don't think it's really possible to get to that point without this real life training that children give us. So, interesting thing is that I received not as many responses about finding yourself in motherhood. I became less selfish, more patient and empathetic. I became a driving part of my family which gave me a sense of purpose I didn't have before. I resonate with this one a lot sense of purpose is a huge difference that my children brought to my life as well And here is what Natasha said about finding herself: I would say that the whole process of motherhood felt like a rebirth

to me. I discovered my true values and what actually turned out to matter to me. I didn't even know these things about myself and there was no other way to find out. It's not only about the children themselves, but about family in general, and even about taking care of myself, my health, and sustaining my energy. I can say that I lost the freedom to manage my own time. Because when children are small, life first entirely centered around the baby, later it revolves around daycare or school schedules and your own tasks get fitted into those little windows around the children's schedule. But that really sharpens your time management and discipline. And freedom is actually found in discipline. This is such a good one. Freedom is actually found in discipline. This is exactly my experience when I previously shared that I got this four hours to myself when my daughter got a nanny and I realized how much I can do in these four hours So I started and grew and scaled a whole new company which I never in my life have done before in a new country. Before becoming a mother I wouldn't even think that it's possible to do in such a short window of time during the day. Another thing that is very real is how people in our lives may lose us as we become mothers. I can totally say that when I became a mother

all of my attention was centered on my child and I did have a very supportive partner and I still have a very supportive partner but it may come as a shock to a partner who used to get your whole attention. I also heard from another friend of mine who shared that she like she lost her best friend to motherhood. It's a hard one. Motherhood truly is a threshold moment. Your old self dies when you become a mother and an entirely new identity is born. And at first I didn't realize what is that new identity. Yes, I have a little person that I need to care for, But who I am now and how do I relate to people in my life who used to be friends it's really difficult to figure out. So, of all, I would say I didn't understand if people without children could ever truly understand me anymore. I felt so much have changed in my life with becoming a mother that the scale of those changes wasn't accessible to me before I became a mother. So, I was always thinking about friends who didn't have children. How is it even possible for them to get even a small part of how my life looks like right now.

Motherhood really reorganizes our entire network of people around us and all of our relationships. So, to summarize our conversation today: There is no one particular way what we lose in motherhood or what we find in motherhood. There are common threats like losing some part of freedom that you used to have. Freedom around your time, your schedule, how much you can sleep, how easily you can travel and there is a common thread about finding yourself which is my conversation it was mostly centered around finding your true values and your purpose But experience really differs and it includes grief for who you were before, for the relationship you had before that do change shape when we become mothers. There is definitely a loss of your old child free identity and there is a process of growing into your new self. It is a continuous process. As a mother who have been a mother for almost nine years now, I am still learning and discovering new things about myself through motherhood every single day.

So, I want to end this conversation with a few questions that mothers who are listening to this may reflect on. What did motherhood help you to discover? What did motherhood make clear to you about your values? And what surprised you about yourself after becoming a mother? And that's it for today. Thank you so much for joining me for today's conversation. Thank you so much to women who shared their thoughts and experiences with me. I hope this conversation makes someone feel less alone in their own journey. I will see you in two weeks. Thank you for listening to The Honest Place. These conversations happen live every two weeks on Wednesdays on Instagram. You are very welcome to join them live if you would like to bring your thoughts or question into the space. You can find me on Instagram svetlanakazco. And if this conversation resonated, I'd love to hear from you.